i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
Randomize
