Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
this beer tastes like vomit already
hahah your definitly as dumb as I think I thought you are. boom roasted.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
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