Ambien. No doubt about it.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
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