I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
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