Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
Randomize
