apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize