He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
the room spins SO much faster in panama
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
He? As in you personified your dick?
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
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