I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
My Higher Power is John Stamos
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
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