Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
I'm thinking of having one or both of my boobs out. They're small but they're mighty.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
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