none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I thought I had enough to avoid this problem
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Randomize
