She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
Randomize
