dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Randomize
