Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Randomize
