The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
are you so shy because you have an std?
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
Randomize
