Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
Randomize
