Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
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