Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
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