If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
And my parents said I crawled through the house
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
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