I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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