I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
Randomize
