I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
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