It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
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