I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
Randomize
