No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
OPIZZABONMYDICK
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
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