I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
Operation Purity has been aborted
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
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