It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
what the fuck happened to the tacos
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