You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
my liver is dry heaving
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
Randomize
