I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
