Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
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