I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
Randomize
