My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
Randomize
