I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
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