Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
