i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
be proud. or at least amused. an 18 yr old and a 25 yr old at least makes my average hookup age this week the same as my age.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Randomize
