it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
