burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
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