after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
Randomize
