im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
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