You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
Bring me that man meat
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
Randomize
