My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
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