I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
the next morning we realized we didnt speak the same language... guess i subconsciously did learn a little german last semester. thanks study abroad.
ah the experiences a semester in Vienna can give you. Frau would enjoy knowing that even while sleeping during class you still managed to learn enough german to get laid
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
