Now that I've come to graduate college. I realized the only discernible skill I learned was how to roll a joint properly. go me.
Well thats $24,000 well spent.
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
Randomize