morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
is she serious with that outfit? Why doesnt she just paste a for sale sign on her boobs?
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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