I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
Randomize
