True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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