party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Randomize
