Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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