just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
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