Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
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