history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
