were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
sometimes I think that if I just met him. he would have a crazy realization and fall madly in love with me. what do you say? I'm not just another fan.
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
Randomize
