I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
