found the other keg... it's in the tree
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
Randomize
