I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
We all need desperate help. Maybe we should just become a group of people who walk around town and shit in peoples air vents
I'm down.
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
Randomize
