apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
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