I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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