So im pretty sure the object of my emotional onterest is tired of playing with me....
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
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