Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
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