i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
ru fi oooo
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Randomize
